forcefully letting go:
i’ve been angry since Monday
it’s the kind I can’t run away from
& every time I think I will meet my end
they put the mask on me and tell me to count back
surely it will feel like falling asleep
maybe i’m always the same distance from death
or like after a night out drinking
this is when I feel closest to my death and how i’ve always expected it
everyone’s falling into new love, having babies
i’m just passing kidney stones and exams
& every time I wake I feel further from explanation
i’m tender and vulnerable and I can’t take it anymore
you’ll have my love forever but I don’t want you to
you bail and you are selfish and you take what you want
but these are the things I would like to be
I could have been with a dozen men
I’m studying humans and our sciences, our moralities and our norms
hoping they’ll pull me to earth, grounding me in reason and explanation
like nondisjunction: failure to properly segregate
with reason as much as rhyme
there’s power in it that’s lacking in me
self-imposed; self-pity and other kinds of selves
I’m angry & I'm eager now