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forcefully letting go:

i’ve been angry since Monday

it’s the kind I can’t run away from

& every time I think I will meet my end

they put the mask on me and tell me to count back

surely it will feel like falling asleep

maybe i’m always the same distance from death

or like after a night out drinking

this is when I feel closest to my death and how i’ve always expected it

everyone’s falling into new love, having babies

i’m just passing kidney stones and exams

& every time I wake I feel further from explanation

i’m tender and vulnerable and I can’t take it anymore

you’ll have my love forever but I don’t want you to

you bail and you are selfish and you take what you want

but these are the things I would like to be

I could have been with a dozen men

I’m studying humans and our sciences, our moralities and our norms

hoping they’ll pull me to earth, grounding me in reason and explanation

like nondisjunction: failure to properly segregate

with reason as much as rhyme

there’s power in it that’s lacking in me

self-imposed; self-pity and other kinds of selves

I’m angry & I'm eager now