for someone who loves feeling freedom above all else you sure do squander it. there's a bruise, round like a grape on my left leg from your canoe. I press into it like you did, but it doesn't ache now. you stopped and picked a neighbor's rose for me and we watched the sun set on one another. habit almost made me say it but that pink playing with your laughter made me feel it. later you told me you loved me still but it's like new. easy. you noticed my scar above my breast has faded and I told you it has 3 years left before it's out - it will be fresh like before I met you soon. you only remember me with blonde hair your sister cut too short. I had too much caffeine yesterday and I wondered if loving someone so painfully much like we have each other means that there will always be a place- a designated space which can be filled and might swell from time to time, when things are parallel. maybe convenient but I hope that's not it. if that means you'll have always a part of me. probably. and I love that you will. I imagine you right now and I hope you don't feel any worse than I think you might. I'm not mad but not sure either. I think about oranges in paper bags and green broken vinyl where one is supposed to rest their head, like the worst night of being 17. I don't want you to think I'm angry or that I'm through -- this is not 'strike ii'. we broke up over a year ago but you kept a photo of me in your car, framed in silver. a gift from Mexico. you said you were probably still in love with me. you said it made you feel warm. I remember that my path is taking me somewhere else for a little while. I think about your hands along the curves of my back with the lightest and warmest touches I've ever felt. in gratitude in wonder, I know. I consider the 1,600 miles away I'll be and that miles are no measure of distance. time might be ignorant too. you said you want me in a forever kind of way. but to be cool. be free. you're not reasonable or practical and I'm not sure. even if you weren't with me anyway. it hurts to think of you hurting. so love you I do. and I'll probably always.